5 New Years Resolution To Try

With each new year comes an opportunity to wipe the blackboard clean and start again. This year, go big! Here are some suggestions for ways to improve yourself, suggestions for a New Year resolution, good luck!

Get Rich

It’s about time you finally got your act together and became filthy rich. You’ve been fantasizing about it long enough, in 2017, add a bunch of 0’s to that bank account. Rob a bank, sell fentanyl, whatever allows you to pop bottles at Myst all year long.

Spend more time staring at screens

TV’s, computer screens, iphones ipads iwhatevers, 2016 involved a ton of screen time for most people, but in 2017, you can do better. Set your alarm early for an extra hour of aimless phone scanning, stay up a little later to check tinder, skip that lunch break in the park and watch youtube videos. 

Keep your awful job

You hate your job? Cool, keep it! Just let yourself be paralyzed by fear of the unknown as you fantasize about leaping out of your office window during meetings.

Save Less

You can’t take any of that money with you when you die, so what’s the point of saving it? If there’s some emergency and you need money, you can just sort that shit out when it comes up. Your 2017 forecast: making it rain.

Sleep with more strangers

Go get some ‘strange’! There are plenty of apps that will help you meet strangers from the internet and then sleep with them. In 2017 we ask you: why not?

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